Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
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*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
okay run it by me one more time
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?