if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.