I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.