Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.