My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”