Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…