channeling her this year
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It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Squirrels before girls.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Love is in the air fryer.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.