Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
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Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Yup.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”