police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
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Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.