Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
The fall of Netflix
Merry Christmas
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Still a very good boi….
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!