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hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
If snakes were wide
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Breaking news:
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.