I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
A roof is a house hat.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.