The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome