Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?