ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
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I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
2 years later
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave