Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.