There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.