Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
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there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.