20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
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In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.