Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
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I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.