Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
No chill.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.