MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Personal question. #JustSaying
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?