Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
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On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
And they lived apathetically ever after.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.