They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.