My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.