I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
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[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I found your tweet-up…
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet