Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
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hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.