[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
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#gardening
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”