He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
BETRAYAL
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
that wasn’t the question
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.