I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I love it all
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her