I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee