[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
what?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
The options really are this bad
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
where the womens at?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?