[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
What a chick magnet..
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”