HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I feel attacked.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
work smarter, not harder
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem