Great Canadian literature.
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots