Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
You Might Also Like
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
cats when you pet them too long:
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.