I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
ibopfufen
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school