i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”