me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
greetings!
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year