Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
You Might Also Like
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants