I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
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Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Noted.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Stop it! 😂
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever