I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
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honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
🍞🦆
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide