Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Love this guy
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea