Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!