My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
LA today:
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
What’s so funny?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way