Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it