Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?