Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Succinctly put.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda