[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Meow
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead