As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.